


I only want to have PHHUN with you

by London9Calling



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Bad Jokes, Humor, M/M, Shy Yifan, nothing against hippies or new age, or tofu
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-13
Updated: 2016-11-13
Packaged: 2018-08-30 21:00:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,548
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8548960
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/London9Calling/pseuds/London9Calling
Summary: Yifan should never have taken that selfie wearing daisy dukes AKA how Tao blackmails Yifan into finally talking to his crush.





	

**Author's Note:**

  * In response to a prompt by Anonymous in the [yifantasy2016](https://archiveofourown.org/collections/yifantasy2016) collection. 



> **Prompt:**
> 
> YIFAN/ANY
> 
> wolf!au
> 
> Since childhood, Yifan's always had troubles shifting into his wolf form. 'It's the city', his grandmother had said. 'Cities are nor for wolves'. Maybe she'd been right. Yifan was much more connected to his human side than his wolf. In able to connect to his wolf side, Yifan decides to spend a month in a "retreat for wolves" in the woods. It's a place built to mimic their ancestors' homes, living in the woods in direct contact with nature. There, Yifan meets people who are also trying to connect with their wolves. In special, one person who seems devoted to helping him with his shifting problems.

“If I see one person hug a tree, I’m out,” Yifan grumbled as he clicked submit.

“I think hugging a tree or two would do you good,” Tao reproved. Yifan ignored him. Tao  _ would _ say something like that, after all he taught yoga and made his own laundry detergent.

Yifan scanned the brochure he downloaded, rereading the customer testimonials.

_ “I had never been able to turn into a wolf, but after two days at Howl at the Moon I was changing into a wolf with ease!” _

_ “My friends used to make fun of me because I could never master the quick change. After my time at Howl at the Moon I’m the one laughing.” _

_ “A month in peace and serenity has never been so beneficial.” _

Yifan rolled his eyes and clicked out of his browser. Tao was still hovering over his shoulder, a smug look on his face.

“Alright, alright I signed up. Now just don’t burn the place down while I’m gone.”

“I won’t. This is going to be just what you need, I’m sure of it.” Tao went to hug Yifan, but the taller man dodged the sappy display of affection.

“Maybe when you get back you won't be afraid of hugs either,” Tao said.

“Doubt it.” Yifan had his doubts a month with some wolf guru would do much. Sure he hadn’t been able to shift into wolf form since he was a child, but honestly he was okay with it. Modern society didn’t care about being able to shift and Yifan didn’t really care either. Tao, however, apparently cared a lot.  

Yifan’s grandmother used to tell him that the city wasn’t for wolves, and the more time everyone spent in human-built metropolises the lesser their abilities became. His grandmother's words hadn’t spurred Yifan to go cavorting to the woods nor did it make him feel like a lesser person for not being able to shift.

Nothing could inspire him to ditch his Air Jordan’s for a pair of Birkenstocks; that is until Tao, the assistant manager at the snapback store Yifan owned, all but ordered him to do it (or blackmailed him, to be more accurate).

Yifan had been drunk, completely smashed when he took that picture in daisy dukes and a halter top. He had been just as drunk when, after much prodding, he sent it to Tao – who of course promptly blackmailed him with it. Attend the tree-hugging-month-long-wolf-seminar or see that pic in every shop in the mall. And the last thing Yifan wanted was for certain people at the mall to see that pic. Namely one Kim Junmyeon aka the hot guy who ran the coffee shop next to his own store. Suddenly Birkenstocks were the lesser evil.

That didn’t mean Yifan hadn’t given Tao an earful over the entire idea, namely why a shifting retreat was something he should even go on.

“But if you shift maybe you will get more confident!” Tao had whined. “Maybe even get the balls to ask out Junmyeon!”

Yifan had rolled his eyes but signed up, fearing for his reputation if he didn’t. A month at a retreat, trying to connect with his inner wolf or facing embarrassment and shame. The choice was easy, even if he wasn’t thrilled about it.

It was time to get his inner wolf on.

  
  


Yifan packed half of what was suggested. He brought hiking boots, mosquito repellent, and comfortable clothes. He did not bring his favorite stick (what did that even mean) nor some of the more new-agey things on the list (he wasn’t going to buy a crystal). When he arrived at the camp he hesitated, wanting very much to jump back in the taxi that had driven him as far as the main road to the retreat. The taxi was probably gone by now, but maybe if he called...he pulled out his phone and groaned. There was no reception.

With a heavy sigh he stuffed his phone back in his pocket and surveyed the scene in front of him. There were several buildings, all built from logs. He assumed the smaller ones were sleeping cabins, while the larger ones were probably there for some weird ass spiritual mumbo jumbo. He spotted a clearing behind one of the larger buildings, with the grass cut short. There were wind chimes on pretty much every building. He could already tell the constant noise was going to get to him.

With heavy steps he started off towards the largest of the buildings, stopping dead in his tracks when music began to play. It was loud and sounded  like a harp was being strummed with a crowbar. It was jarring, and no sooner had Yifan went to cover his ears then someone came jogging out of the large building, his arms wide open.

“My child, welcome!” He was a small man, with chubby cheeks and big, cat like eyes. He was wearing stretch pants and a tie dyed t shirt, tied up in the corner. He wasn’t wearing shoes, and around his neck hung an oversized crystal on a chain. Despite the new age bling,  Yifan could only focus on how, with his shirt tied up, and the stretch pants hugging all of him, his um, bulge was on full display. Before Yifan could fully digest what the man was wearing, he was hugging Yifan to him, his head buried in Yifan’s chest.

“You’re late, you know.” He flashed a gummy smile as he pulled away.

Yifan was too shocked to say anything, he just stared. Did he just get hugged by a dude whose package was there for all the world to see?

“Come on, come on. Time to meet your wolf brothers and sisters.” The man gestured for Yifan to follow. He did so, stumbling over the wood chips that lined the path towards the large building.

When he entered the structure his desire to turn heel and run for the nearest town increased. There were about half a dozen people sitting cross legged on the floor, all staring at him. Towards the front of the room stood five others, all dressed like...the guy with the dick pants on.

“Our last child has come home,” dick pants exclaimed, causing the others to clap.

Yifan stood there awkwardly before he was told to take a seat, the man who greeted him going to the front of the room. Yifan spied a spot near the back of the crowd, right next to one of the more normal looking people there. He was a brunette, well-groomed and wearing a simple t-shirt and jeans – no yoga pants or crystals in sight. He looked so normal. In fact he kind of looked like – oh no.

Kim Junmyeon, Yifan’s long standing crush, gave him a little wave. Yifan padded over to sit next to him, wondering how Mr. Hot Coffee Shop guy ended up here. Was this punishment for something Yifan had done? Was Tao that offended by how he filled out a pair of Daisy Dukes?!

“Now that everyone is gathered, we can kick off this amazing month ahead of us with introductions.” The man at the front clapped his hands. “My name is Minseok. I have been the lead wolf spirit advisor at Howl at the Moon since it opened. I love my life, I love my work, and I love helping others to love themselves.”

When Minseok stopped speaking everyone began to clap. Yifan lifted his hands slowly, side eying the group.

The next person at the front of the room stepped forward. He wore a bandana made of what looked like hemp, and a long white tunic with little wolves embroidered on it. He had brown hair, worn long, and, to be honest, he kind of looked like he was 12 years old. “My name is Luhan. I am the endurance coach here at Howl at the Moon, and I just wanted to second everything Minseok said. Peace.”

The other coaches and teachers introduced themselves in turn, before turning it over the students. Yifan listened as one by one they shared their stories of being unable to shift into wolf form and how it had affected their lives. They were a mix of people, a kindergarten teacher, a fast food worker, a marketing exec. When the introductions reached his end of the room, Yifan started to panic. What would he say? The last thing he wanted to do was embarrass himself in front of Junmyeon.

He was so wrapped up in his anxiety he barely heard Junmyeon make his introduction.  And then suddenly everyone was looking at him. He took a deep breath and then blurted out, “Name’s Yifan. I run a hat shop, streetwear, urban fashion. I don’t like hugging trees or making my own soap.”

The room was dead silent, the only noise was the clanking of the wind chimes outside. Yifan couldn’t look at Junmyeon, he was too mortified of how the man might have felt about his introduction.

Minseok finally spoke. “Great to meet you Yifan. Alright, since we are all family now, it is time to talk about how our family works.”

Minseok sat cross legged on the floor, the smile never leaving his face. “You are here to learn how to shift, because the toxic society we live in has given you trouble learning. We, the teachers and coaches, are here to help you. To facilitate learning we have some simple rules.”

“Don’t steal their weed,” Yifan muttered under his breath, speaking without thinking. Much to his surprise Junmyeon let out a soft laugh at his joke.

“Yifan, would you like to share?” Minseok had obviously heard him say something.

Yifan turned red. “Nope, I’m good.”

Minseok didn’t look convinced, but continued anyway. “First rule is that we respect what each other has to say. That means being a good listener, and not talking over each other.” he gave Yifan an obvious look. “When your coaches and teachers are speaking, you need to listen.”

With a calm tone he continued, “Second rule is that at no time will you purposefully hurt another student or teacher's feelings. Feelings are not meant to be hurt, they are meant to be shared.”

Yifan had to fight against rolling his eyes.

“Third rule is that everyone will attend each session unless there is an emergency. And no, I don’t count taking time off to prepare your tofu just right as an emergency.”

He had to try really, really hard not to roll his eyes.

“Fourth rule is to love the earth. To be a wolf you must think like a wolf, and wolves count on our earth mother so you should too.”

Maybe if he walked back down the road he could find another taxi.

“Fifth rule- no lovemaking. Love is important, but this time is for you to develop as a wolf. Sharing your love with your brothers and sisters will not help you right now.”

“Isn’t that called incest?” Yifan muttered, earning another laugh from Junmyeon. Minseok shot them both a look before continuing.

“Sixth rule- no drugs or alcohol are allowed at this retreat. Wolves don’t do smack kids. Wolves are high on life.”

“And finally, our seventh rule - have fun! And love yourself! Okay, I guess I made that two rules.” Minseok burst into a fit of high pitched laughter, echoed by Luhan, who was seated to his left.

“You should be a comedian, I swear,” Luhan wiped the tears from his eyes as he continued laughing.

Minseok stopped gigging, suddenly going serious.

“It is time for everyone to take their things to their rooms. We have Chai tea being served near the clearing if you are thirsty. Oh, and your schedules will be in your cabins. Please make sure to follow them.” Minseok stood up. “Now go my children, let’s start this beautiful journey together.”

As the leader stood, his package came into full display again. Yifan looked away, shielding his eyes. He stumbled to his feet, managing to avoid seeing more of Minseok than he wanted to. With a few stumbles he made it out of the building.

The other students began wandering towards the smaller cabins. One of the teachers, Yixing, Yifan thought he said his name was, had a clipboard and was reading off cabin assignments. Yifan was vaguely aware of someone walking beside him but he didn’t want to look over. Just in case it was–

“I can’t believe we're both here,” Junmyeon said, his voice dripping with excitement.

“Yeah, what are the um odds.” Yifan felt the panic creep up. It was always like this with Junmyeon. He feared making a fool of himself in front of someone so, so…well, perfect.

“I didn’t know you had trouble shifting.”

“Ha, yeah. You too huh?” Yifan really needed that taxi ride out of this place.

“Yep. I haven’t shifted since I was in tenth grade. Silly huh?”

Thankfully they were near enough Yixing that their conversation was halted by the coach.

“Ah, Wu Yifan and Kim Junmyeon. Moonlight Cabin.” Yixing looked up from his clipboard and smiled.

“Wait, what?” Yifan wasn’t sure he heard correctly. Did that mean he was staying in the same cabin as Junmyeon?! No, it couldn’t be.

“Yep, looks like you guys are both in Moonlight. Enjoy your stay, and grab some Chai Tea after you get settled,” Yixing answered pleasantly.

“It is so nice to know someone,” Junmyeon rattled off as he headed towards the cabin. Yifan had no choice but to follow him, cursing in his mind at his terrible luck.

  
  
  


When Yifan entered the cabin he was greeted by an unusual sight.

“There isn’t a bed…” he blinked once, then twice, hoping his eyes were deceiving him.

“What?” Junmyeon sidestepped Yifan, walking into the cabin.

The only thing in the cabin was a pile of hay, on a dirt floor. There wasn’t even a floor. No. Floor. Just dirt.

“This has to be some sort of joke.” Yifan seriously hoped it was.

Junmyeon walked over to the far wall of the cabin, where a paper was tacked up.

“To become one with your wolf, you need to live like a wolf,” Junmyeon slowly read. He glanced back at Yifan. “Wolves don’t have beds, I guess.”

He was going to kill Tao when he got out of this place.

“Wolves also don’t go to retreats,” Yifan blurted out.

Junmyeon shrugged, tossing his duffel bag in the corner. “Hey, maybe it will be fun. Get back to nature and all that.”

Yifan sighed. Somehow, with Junmyeon looking on the bright side of this uncomfortable situation, he couldn’t argue; maybe part of that had to do with Junmyeon’s award winning smile.

He threw his duffle bag in the opposite corner. And then the awkwardness set in, the realization he was sharing a cabin for a month with Mr. Hot Coffee Shop Guy.

“It’s really nice knowing someone here, seriously,” Junmyeon rambled. “I was nervous about coming here since I am not up to date on all of the new age stuff. Not that I have a problem with it, I like thinking outside the box.”

“Uh, yeah.” Yifan knew he sounded like an idiot.

“But what are the odds?” Junmyeon laughed as he dug through his duffel bag. “I mean, we work next to each other and even if we never really talk here we are.”

“Yep, here we are.”

“Maybe this is a blessing in disguise. We can get to know each other better!”

“Yep, know each other better.” Yifan wanted to hide under a rock. A really large rock that would let him disappear for a month.

  
  
  


“Is this…” Yifan dug his spoon into the bowl, making a face at the way the mushy substance slid off the utensil.

“It is meant to simulate regurgitated meat,” Luhan answered cheerfully. ”Though it isn’t! Regurgitated, I mean. It is tofu.”

Yifan felt his stomach clench at the word regurgitated. After getting settled in their cabin, they were summoned back to the larger cabin for a meal. Yifan had trudged over with Junmyeon beside him, the smaller man talking excitedly about his expectations for the retreat the entire way there.

Now he was staring at a bowl of tofu meant to simulate... he was pretty sure he threw up a little in his mouth.

“Children!” Minseok was sitting on the floor, bowl in his lap and a bright smile on his face. The others were all gathered around him. “If you want to get in touch with your inner wolf you need to live like a wolf. Now who knows what wolves eat?” He looked around the room expectantly.

A tall guy to Yifan’s left cleared his throat and spoke up. “Meat. Deer? Or um, maybe some other animals?”

“Chanyeol, you are so smart.” Minseok smiled at him. “That is correct. What Chanyeol didn’t mention is that the young wolves, and even the older ones, will rely on the pack mother to regurgitate her kill when she returns after a hunt.”

Yifan stared at Minseok in disbelief.

“So from now on our meals will simulate this. But don’t worry, this isn’t actually regurgitated. It is a special tofu recipe to simulate it. Now dig in! Enjoy your meal my little wolves!”

Yifan knew then and there he wasn’t eating tofu meant to simulate regurgitated meat. He set his bowl in front of him and tried to think of something else. Like the latest football score he didn’t know since his phone didn’t work or how awkward it was being stuck in a dirt floored cabin with a super-hot guy or throttling Tao.

“Aren’t you going to eat?” Junmyeon asked. “It’s actually pretty good.”

Yifan turned to see Junmyeon shovel a huge spoonful of the stuff into his mouth. It was an instant reaction that had Yifan standing up and gagging, then running out of the cabin. He was sick behind a tree.

As he stood catching his breath he heard someone approaching.

“Now students, Yifan is well on his way to connecting with his inner wolf!” Minseok clapped. “He not only eats what the wolf mother provides, but his instinct is to share!”

Yifan turned around, and in horror realized everyone had meandered out of the cabin to watch him, cheering at the fact he had thrown up.

“I’m so proud!” Junmyeon mouthed to him.

Yifan offered an uneasy smile. What a weird fucking place.

  
  
  


Yifan couldn’t stomach anything for the rest of the night, which was good considering the only thing to eat was the mushy tofu. As the sun set, Minseok ushered everyone back to their cabins.

“Tomorrow the real fun begins!” the stretch pants clad leader announced.

Yifan was afraid.

He ended up back in the cabin he shared with Junmyeon, eyeing up the dirt floor. He pulled out a sweatshirt and threw it on the ground, refusing to sleep on the bare earth. Junmyeon, however, didn’t seem to mind. He arranged some hay in a pile and plopped down, curling up into a compact fetal position. Dare Yifan admit, but he looked rather cute like that.

“I wonder what we will do tomorrow,” Junmyeon mused.

Yifan didn’t even want to try to imagine. He had already had enough fun in the woods to last a lifetime.

“You really impressed Minseok today, I could tell,” Junmyeon said after Yifan remained quiet. “That’s really cool.”

Yifan mumbled something about it being nothing as he felt his face grow warm at his crush's compliment. As the sunlight disappeared, Yifan felt mildly less like throttling Tao.

  
  
  


Yifan stomached a spoonful of the tofu the next morning, and honestly it wasn’t that bad. It was flavored with something that made it at least edible – perhaps not tasty per se, but definitely not like the poison Yifan had assumed it would taste like.

Minseok showed up wearing a different pair of stretch pants that morning, this time they had long stripes of grey fake fur running up the sides. He also thankfully had on a longer shirt, so Yifan didn’t have to avert his eyes ninety percent of the time the guy moved around.

“Today we are going to start the fun approach to getting in touch with your inner wolf,” Minseok told the group.

“And not fun as in f-u-n!” Luhan piped up from where he was seated next to the leader. He earned an appreciative look from Minseok, and Yifan noticed he blushed at the gaze. Yifan made a gagging noise, which thankfully Minseok didn’t hear.

“Luhan is correct! We are going to have fun P-H-H-U-N!” Minseok started laughing, that high pitched giggle. Some of the other guests laughed awkwardly with him until he suddenly stopped and turned serious. “Over the next four weeks we will move along the PHHUN cycle, until we can all find our inner wolf and shift. This week we start with P. P happens to be my favorite.”

Yifan snickered like an eight year child and honestly he couldn’t help it. His hand darted up and Minseok immediately gestured for him to speak. “How much do you like P?” he asked, suppressing a giggle.

“Like I said, it is my favorite!” Minseok answered cheerfully, not getting the joke. When Yifan snuck a look at Junmyeon he saw the other man smiling. It was a win.

“Baekhyun is your instructor for P. Baekhyun, they are your children for the time being.” Minseok looked at one of the men who had introduced himself as a coach on the first day. He had light brown hair which was perpetually messy, small eyes, and youthful features. He talked a lot, Yifan had heard him drone on and one to the other coaches over dinner the night before.

“Thank you, Minseok.” Baekhyun scooted towards the head of the room. “P is for play. Can someone tell me how wolves play?”

Great. Play. Yifan supposed it could be worse, P could have stood for something like pick your soy candle recipe or something.

“Like a dog?” Chanyeol, the taller guest answered.

“Sort of! Wolves play to be social, and that is what we are going to do over the next week. Play to our heart's content. Doesn’t that sound exciting?!”

Some of the others mumbled their agreement, but Yifan remained mum. It could be worse, but still he had a suspicious feeling that play wasn’t exactly a walk in the park either.

  
  
  
  


Later that night, as Yifan sprawled out on his sweatshirts on the floor, he heard Junmyeon let out a heavy sigh. He would have asked what was wrong, except he wasn’t exactly at the point where he was totally comfortable talking to Junmyeon. Because well, he still had a very big desire to do things to him that made him blush. And Yifan didn’t blush. Normally.

“I think you are great at this, Yifan,” Junmyeon said slowly. “But I feel like I am never going to shift.”

“I’m sure you will,” Yifan hoped he sounded reassuring. Junmyeon tried so hard, he could see it with the way he paid rapt attention to any of the teachers. And Yifan wasn’t that good, not at all. How puking behind a pine tree earned him kudos were beyond him.

“Thanks for saying that,” Junmyeon said softly. “It means a lot.”

Yifan swallowed, a lump in his throat.

  
  
  


“Stop biting me!” Yifan roared, kicking his leg out in a frenzy. The pair of teeth that were planted in the fabric of his pants would not let up, even when he gave a furiously fast kick.

It had been three days since the Play Routine started, and Yifan was getting used to living in a waking nightmare. Play, it turned out, was a lot of impromptu biting and shoving and tackling. He threw Baekhyun off him more than once.

The others guests participated more than Yifan did, but still none were as bad as the coach. Walking outside of the cabin in the morning was liable to attract Baekhyun’s attention, and once he spotted you he would pounce, teeth bared and ready to sink into whatever he could reach.

When they weren’t being accosted by Baekhyun, the guests spent time doing crafts and taking long hikes. And then being accosted once they got back. It was lovely, very lovely.

“I will kick you in the brain!” Yifan screamed, trying to shake the man off of him.

Baekhyun detached his mouth, but that didn’t mean he went away. He pummeled into Yifan, who was already lying on the ground. The impact made his head go back and thud against the ground. All the while Baekhyun was nudging at him with his chin, just like a wolf at play.

“How is this going to help me?” Yifan bemoaned, staring up at the sky. “How is this supposed to make me shift?!”

Baekhyun suddenly stopped what he was doing and rolled off of the taller man. He rested on his knees, giving Yifan a serious look. “If you think like a wolf, live like a wolf, you and the wolf become one.”

Yifan rolled over, standing up and immediately dusting the dirt off of his clothes. He gave Baekhyun a dirty look and turned to go, his mushy tofu drool was probably getting cold.

When he turned around he collided with something, or more accurately someone. Someone who was half a foot shorter than him, with dark hair and a beautiful smile.

Yifan fell flat on his back, reaching forward and pulling the person with him. He hit the ground with a thud, but couldn’t be happier when the person licked a stripe up his cheek and then giggled.

“Thought I should give it a shot too,” Junmyeon laughed, crawling off of Yifan.

Yifan felt a dozen different emotions at once, and the sheer adrenaline that came from having a guy you had been crushing on for months fall into you made him act rashly. He tackled Junmyeon in turn, laughing as they rolled on the ground.

Junmyeon tried to put up a fight, but he couldn’t win. It felt like they were in elementary school, play wrestling. Yifan laughed, feeling giddy. This was a thousand times better than Baekhyun’s version of play aka biting.

“Gather round, children! Gather round!” Baekhyun shouted.

It was Yifan’s indication he needed to get off of Junmyeon, because he didn’t want to be the center of attention when everyone came running. That and he was pretty sure he was seconds away from getting hard considering the way Junmyeon was rubbing against him.

“Yifan has mastered the art of play! The first of the students to do so!” Baekhyun announced to the other guests, as they crowded around to see what he was so excited about.

Yifan sat back on his legs, feeling embarrassed. Junmyeon struggled to his feet, smiling widely at him.

“I am so proud of you,” He beamed.

“Everyone should try to learn from Yifan, he is a natural.” Baekhyun clapped, looking on in admiration.

“I, no, um I–” Yifan stuttered.

“You, my child, have mastered this course. Now I think it is about time we start on our next bit of PHHUN.” Baekhyun winked.

Yifan felt his stomach drop. If having Baekhyun bite the ass of his jeans was step one, what in the hell was step two?!

  
  
  


“You’re really great, you know that?” Junmyeon sat in the middle of the cabin, a huge smile on his face as he looked at Yifan.

Yifan shifted in his small pile of hay (he had given in, mostly because his sweatshirts were starting to get way too filthy to bear). “Nah, I’m not. You’re the one who tackled me, remember?”

“But you’re the one who knew how to react,” Junmyeon argued.

Yifan rubbed the back of his neck sheepishly, feeling all kinds of embarrassed. “Really it wasn’t anything great.”

“I think it was.” Junmyeon’s smile would be the death of Yifan. And to be honest it was probably the only reason he wasn’t running away from this whacked out retreat.

  
  


“The key of E.” The teacher stood with his hands on his hips, his eyes scanning the semi-circle of guests. “To be a wolf you must howl in the Key of E.”

Yifan wasn’t sure what key was E. Hell, he was pretty sure he was tone deaf. But at least this new lesson didn’t involve being constantly tackled.

They had started their new lesson – howling – that morning with a lone trek through the woods. The teacher, a scrawny guy with a sleepy smile named Jongdae, directed them to stop near a clearing.

Junmyeon’s hand shot up. “When are we supposed to howl?” he asked when Jongdae pointed at him.

“Wolves howl for a lot of things,” Jongdae explained. Yifan was pretty sure that meant the teacher had no idea when wolves actually howled. Just how much had he paid for this retreat again?

“Now howl!” Jongdae remained silent as did everyone else. “Don’t be shy!”

Yifan was definitely going to wait until the rest of them howled. He waited, widening his eyes as Junmyeon let out a loud howl. In a few seconds everyone was howling, Yifan finally joining in once he knew his own voice would be drowned out by the others.

“Great! Now starting at this moment you can no longer communicate any other way than howling. This will continue until you have mastered the language of the wolf.” Jongdae smiled, looking satisfied at the alarmed expressions that crept onto everyone’s faces.

No more words, no more “Hey Junmyeon, isn’t this retreat kind of cracked out omg we are actually talking, you’re cute, we should go out sometime.” Okay, not that he ever had the guts to say most of that but still.

“Learn to howl, children. Learn to channel your inner wolf.” The way Jongdae was smirking after he said it made Yifan wonder if the man found amusement in the whole thing, like he knew it was some big weird joke.

When Junmyeon let out a small howl, a smile on his face, Yifan couldn’t look away. Pink dusted Junmyeon’s cheeks as he looked down at his lap, clearly embarrassed. Damn was he attractive, Yifan thought, drowning out the howls he heard all around him.

  
  
  


Ramyun. Yifan had never been particularly in love with the stuff, but when the alternative was tofu mush, ramyun seemed like an exotic delicacy. He had spotted the red package out of the corner of his eye, a small glimpse of heaven among dirt floors, long treks, and the key of E.

The ramyun wasn’t in the makeshift kitchen where the tofu was cooked, he glimpsed it in Minseok’s cabin when the retreat leader stepped outside one morning. Yifan nearly blurted out “Nice ramyun you got there, wolf leader.” but he refrained. Plus he wasn’t quite sure how to say that in a howl and if he used words he feared that this howling nonsense would go on longer.

Later that evening, as he burrowed into his mound of hay, he had an idea. If he were to say “find” the ramyun and eat it when everyone was asleep then it would be a win-win. Minseok couldn’t argue, even if Yifan was caught he could claim he was only trying to help Minseok be more wolf like. And no one would know that he ate the delicious processed food if they were all busy getting a few hours a sleep before they woke up and focused on shifting again.

When Junmyeon’s telltale soft snores began Yifan slowly crept out of the cabin, taking extra care not to make any noise. When he stepped outside he was met with darkness and silence, other than the wind chimes that were forever grating at his nerves. He spotted light on in a few cabins, which is the first time he realized that the coaches’ cabins have electricity. The charlatans.

Thankfully Minseok’s cabin was dark. As Yifan crept closer, wind chimes clinking out their incessant racket, he started to hear something odd. At first he thought it was an animal, which made him nervous. He was never very outdoorsy, hence why this whole retreat is kind of blasphemous in his eyes. There is no Wi-Fi outdoors, who needs the outdoors. Stupid Tao.

Shaking off his anger at Tao he listened again. Rustling. Definitely something rustling. The mental image of a bear or a wild hog flashed before him and he stilled, terrifying himself with what might happen. He just wanted to eat some ramyun! Why was life like this, why would his end be at some stupid hippy dippy retreat?! How could he die like this!

Yifan plastered himself to the side of Minseok’s dark cabin, his nails digging into the wood side as he waited for death to find him. And when he felt a huge bang, the wall he was leaning against vibrating with huge thuds, he did the unthinkable. He howled in abject terror.

Suddenly the camp was alive, his howl waking everyone up. As tired people stumbled from their cabins, Yifan heard another thump from inside Minseok’s abode. And then Minseok was stumbling out of the place, Luhan after him, both with their clothes askew and pupils blown. Were they….

“Gather round, children!” Minseok proclaimed, still straightening up his t-shirt. “Yifan has mastered the howl! Everyone clap and please learn from him. He is the first to do it!”

It was a nightmare, a bad repeat. Everyone was clapping and looking at the prize pupil in awe. Junmyeon was beaming, looking so proud it hurt. And Yifan wanted to run and hide from it all, because he hadn’t done anything right. Other than try to steal ramyun, which he didn’t have.

His desire to murder Tao came back full force.

  
  


“I’m sure you’ll be the first to shift,” Junmyeon blurted out as they returned to their cabin. They were no longer howling, since Yifan had mastered that skill. Just why the lessons ended when he succeeded was beyond him, but whatever – he was just glad he could use words again. Now if he could only forget what he almost witnessed that night…

“Nah.” Yifan rubbed the back of his neck, feeling embarrassed. He could admit he liked when Junmyeon made moon eyes at him, but to be praised like this was just uncomfortable. Especially coming from someone like Mr. hot-coffee-shop-owner-i-really-want-to-kiss-wait-what.

"You’re doing great, you’ll be the first to shift,” Yifan said as he slumped down in his pile of hay.

He had a feeling Junmyeon was shaking his head no, but it was too dark to confirm. “I haven’t shifted in years and I’m just not cut out for these lessons it seems. Sometimes I wonder…”

When Junmyeon didn’t continue Yifan prodded him to continue. “Wonder what?”

“Is shifting that big of a deal? It feels like it isn’t to me sometimes. Like I know it is just what everyone does, but I don’t think there is anything wrong with people who can’t. It’s not like it is absolutely necessary.”

Oh. Yifan had thought about that too, many times in fact. It was one of the reasons he couldn’t understand why Tao was so insistent he come to this place, since he had learned to live with and accept that he couldn’t shift.

“The only thing I think you miss if you can’t shift is the well, the thing.” Junmyeon said quietly.

“What thing?” Yifan had no idea what he was talking about.

“The um, well, the ….” Junmyeon lower his voice even more and in an embarrassed whisper said, “Knot.”

Yifan’s jaw dropped, his mouth hanging open as he tried to think of what to say. Was Junmyeon saying that he wanted that? That he regretted not being able to shift for that reason?

Don’t think dirty things, don’t think dirty things, don’t think dirty things, Yifan repeated in his mind. Don’t think dirty things, don’t think of Junmyeon on all fours. Yifan swallowed, he was screwed.

“Just kidding!” Junmyeon started to laugh awkwardly. “I think that whole thing sounds super painful. I got you there, didn’t I?”

Yifan let out his own awkward and forced laugh. “Yeah, that was funny. I was trying to figure out why you would ever want thaaaat.”

“I know right! Goodnight Yifan!” Junmyeon’s laughter died out, leaving Yifan to listen to the annoying wind chimes and the beating of his own heart. Don’t think dirty things, don’t think dirty things, don’t think…

  
  
  
  


“You’ve got to be kidding me,” Yifan snorted.

“He does kind of look like a deer in a weird way.” Junmyeon shrugged.

“Children! Children! I am going to teach you your next lesson in the course of PHHUN.” Luhan laughed loudly and then suddenly stopped. It was so weird. “Hunting.”

“I’m guessing you’re the prey.” Yifan gestured towards the antler headband perched on Luhan’s head.

“Very astute observation, my child.” Luhan reached up and straightened the headband. “Your job is to work as a pack and catch me. Become one with the more primal aspect of your wolf nature. Hunt, track, just don’t eat me.” Luhan laughed abruptly then fell silent. What a weird dude.

Without warning he spun around and began running into the woods, calling over his shoulder, “You can start in ten minutes.”

“What if we don’t try to find him,” Yifan said quietly, only loud enough for Junmyeon to hear.

Junmyeon laughed and Yifan felt more satisfaction at being the cause of his mirth than he ever did getting in touch with his inner wolf.

When ten minutes had passed the group set out, walking down the trail without much of a plan. Yifan had a feeling Luhan probably ran halfway across the woods and was hiding in a tree or something. Quite honestly he didn’t have that much motivation to find the guy.

He had much more motivation to sneak glances at Junmyeon, who was walking alongside him. It really wasn’t fair how good looking he was.

“We should hang out after the retreat,” Junmyeon suddenly blurted out, taking Yifan by surprise.

“What?” he answered lamely.

“Oh, I mean, we work right next to each other and never talked. Now we kind of are friends we should do stuff together after we leave this place.” Junmyeon sounded unsure.

“That would um, yeah.” Yifan and eloquence were not very compatible.

Junmyeon smiled brightly, taking Yifan’s breath away. Literally it felt like the breath was no longer in his body, his lungs being crushed, making him fall to the ground. Wait–

“No! I slipped! Damnit!”

Luhan was firmly in Yifan’s arms, both men lying on the path. It took Yifan a few seconds to realize that Luhan had just fallen into him. “You were seriously hiding in a tree?!” he blurted out.

Luhan stuttered, but his answer didn’t matter.

“Wow, you excelled at another lesson!” One of the other guests beamed at him. The clapping ensued and Yifan was fast to throw Luhan off of him.

 

“The next lessons are joined together.” Minseok was back to wearing too tight pants and a tank top, which meant Yifan was back to staring at the floor of the large cabin.  “We will start first thing in the morning, so get enough rest tonight.”

Yifan dreaded another round of lessons but based on the plan laid out when they had first arrived he knew the retreat was almost over. As in only a few more days. And in one way he was sad for it to end, but in every other way he was overjoyed.

Junmyeon had been his constant companion for that month, always at his side as they took part in the ridiculous lessons and long hikes. They had built a rapport, even if a lot of it was Yifan making bad jokes and Junmyeon laughing at him. Yifan was still nervous to say much, but he wasn’t as nervous as he was before the retreat. And in some weird way he had the thought that maybe he would find courage to ask Junmyeon out before they got back to civilization. With only three days left he had a feeling that wasn’t going to happen. It was his only regret.

Everything else he couldn’t get away from fast enough. As of yet no one had shifted – which made Yifan pretty certain that this whole retreat was an elaborate scam. Hell, the teachers and coaches hadn’t even shifted, which made Yifan wonder if they even could. Add onto that the fact he ate tofu for a month, slept on the ground, was pretty sure he had a scar from where Baekhyun bit him,  and almost saw the retreat leader getting it on with his minion Luhan and Yifan could say he one hundred percent was not going to miss this place.

Later that evening, when Yifan laid down on the cold, hard dirt floor he nearly lost it. Junmyeon scooted his pile of hay closer. “It got cold,” was the only explanation he offered.

Yifan was rigid, afraid to move as Junmyeon scooted closer and closer, ending up with only a few inches separating him from Yifan. And then the coffee shop owner curled his legs up, assuming his favored sleeping position.

After a minute of silence Junmyeon said, “If this is weird I can move? Sorry I didn’t think about it–"

“No! It’s fine!” For the thousandth time in the last month Yifan was certain he sounded like a bumbling oaf. He was horrible talking to Junmyeon if he wasn’t being sarcastic.

“Okay. Goodnight, Yifan.”

Yifan found sleep elusive as he tried to think of things that did not have to do with Junmyeon being naked. Needless to say, as he finally drifted off near dawn, his nightmare was yet to come.

  
  
  


The first sensation that hit him was one of cold, biting wind. The cabins weren’t that well sealed or insulated, and since the temperature had dropped overnight the chill had invaded his sleeping space.  He groaned, snuggling into his sweatshirt and wishing he had a blanket. When he finally dared open his eyes a crack he saw that Junmyeon was gone. That in and of itself wasn’t unusual, the coffee shop owner was usually up before him, probably habit given the hours he worked.

Yifan sat up, stretching out his arms and making an annoyed sound when his back popped. Getting old sucked. He stood up clumsily and staggered towards the cabin door.

When he reached for the door handle he registered that people were talking outside, but he didn’t think much of it. Until he opened the door.

“Doesn’t this feel freeing!!!?” Minseok was shouting from somewhere Yifan couldn’t see. Dread pooled in his stomach.

He followed the sound of the man’s voice to behind the large cabin. When he reached the clearing he stopped.

“I am Oh Sehun, your coach for the last two lessons of PHHUN. Understanding Nudity. Yep, that’s right, wolves don’t wear fancy clothes and neither should any of you. Understand why being naked makes you more wolf. Embrace the nudity.” Sehun was standing in the clearing, on full display. Minseok was on full display and for the first time Yifan missed those stretch pants.

He started to back away slowly. There was no way he was getting naked here, with these people, with….Junmyeon.

“Yifan!” Junmyeon noticed him and waved him over.

Junmyeon, who had no clothes on. Junmyeon, whose body was better than anything Yifan could have imagined. Junmyeon, who had a nice ass in his work pants but a way, way better one sans clothing. Junmyeon, who was standing around nude with half a dozen others, beckoning Yifan to take his clothes off with a wave.

In that moment Yifan snapped. A month of tofu mush, of long hikes and stupid fucking wind chimes and hippy-dippy coaches. Dirt floors and adoring gazes. Hypocrites who had electricity and ramyun and should very well know their junk is fully outlined. Keys of E. JUNMYEON. NAKED.

It was a burning sensation that spread through his limbs, seemingly emanating from his core. It was a flash of pain and a burst of white. His body was rearranging itself like it hadn’t in a very long time. Fabric tore as he cried out, and when that cry turned into a howl he stood snarling at the group of naked people. He had shifted.

“Children! Yifan has reached his goal!” Minseok shouted and in a second naked humans were running his way. Yifan was clumsy in his wolf form, but his desire to get away from the nude crew was strong enough for him to turn and stumble towards the woods.

He ran for a while, not stopping until he was sure no one was following him. As he caught his breath he shifted back to human form – and of course he was naked.

“I’m going to kill Tao,” he muttered under his breath, hoping he could make it back to his cabin without being seen.

  
  


Miraculously Yifan was able to reach his bag before anyone spotted him. He dressed and then sat down on the pile of hay, not sure what to do. Was everyone still walking around with their dongs out?

When the door opened Yifan jumped, relaxing when a fully clothed Junmyeon walked through the door.

“Are you okay?” Junmyeon kneeled down, looking Yifan up and down.

“Uh, yeah. I’m totally fine.” Since you are wearing clothes, Yifan wanted to add, but didn’t.

“That was so cool!” Junmyeon slumped onto the ground. “See, I was right, you were the first.”

“Did anyone else shift?”

“Nope. You were the only one,” Junmyeon answered, his adoring gaze making Yifan internally squirm. “You are so great, seriously. I am so proud of you and in awe and–“

“No. Don’t.” Yifan spoke firmly, blurting out what had been weighing on him. “I am not great and I didn’t succeed because of some skill or innate sense or whatever. I was uncomfortable and it happened. And the same with the howling. I caught Luhan by accident. And I only succeeded at that stupid play thing because it was you. So don’t make me out to be something I’m not.”

Junmyeon frowned and Yifan instantly wished he could take it all back.

“But I think you are amazing, even if it was an accident.”

“You do?” Yifan wrung his hands, nervous energy coursing through him.

“Yeah.  This place,” Junmyeon lifted his arms and let them fall. “It’s kind of pointless if you ask me. But you managed to take all this stuff and do something with it, even if it is by accident. That is resourceful and really admirable in my books.”

“It is?!”

“Yeah, it is.”

Yifan blurted out something he should have thought about before saying, but he couldn’t hold back. Not when Junmyeon was being so damn perfect. “We should go out.”

“Excuse me?”

“We should if you want I mean – uh, dinner?” Yifan returned to stumbling over his words.

“Dinner would be nice,” Junmyeon smiled.

Yifan swallowed, happy and nervous and   embarrassed and – did Junmyeon just agree to have dinner with him? This might be the best day ever.

“When we get back, you know, we should go that day if you aren’t busy,” Yifan wanted to cement the plans.

“I know a great place if you don’t mind Italian,” Junmyeon sounded overly agreeable.

“I love Italian _.” I would love anything if it was with you, even this stupid ass place _ , Yifan thought. It had been the only reason he had stayed. It was the only reason he hadn’t turned around and left after day one. Yet, as Junmyeon gave him a shy smile and then launched into a detailed description of what happened after he shifted, Yifan realized he wasn’t angry at Tao anymore. Not in the least.

They went on their first date the day they returned from the retreat, the first of many dates to come.

  
  
  


Three days later Minseok leaned against the doorframe of the large cabin, watching as the guests filed down the long road. The retreat was over. After a going away ceremony consisting of green tea and hugs, they were off to go into the world. Only Yifan had shifted, but it wasn’t a totally lost cause. After all, this was never about shifting to begin with.

“Can we stop wearing these awful clothes now?” Baekhyun asked, tugging at his hemp shirt.

“I threw the rest of the tofu in the lake, FYI.” Sehun emerged from the cabin. “But now I feel bad for the fish.”

“I still can’t believe we did this for an entire month.” Jongdae sighed. “A month I will never get back.”

“It was kind of fun, I mean if you take away all the walking and trying to think of what to say next thing.” Luhan slipped up behind Minseok, encircling the other’s waist. “Plus dirty cabin sex is great.”

“Luhan!” Minseok turned and gave him a death look. His boyfriend just blinked innocently.

“So we are absolutely sure we are on the list for the next class, right?” Jongdae interrupted.

“We better be or I am going to kill Tao,” Sehun drawled.

“No you won’t, he is the best yoga instructor in town,” Baekhyun pointed out.

Minseok pulled out his phone and began scrolling, happy they had finally activated the hotspot. It had been hell not using his phone for a month except when he snuck into town.

The entire retreat had been undertaken with one goal in mind, and that goal was to get into the impossible-to-get-into yoga class taught by Tao. Minseok had been on a waiting list for three years to no avail, Baekhyun for even longer. When Tao had come to them and offered them a jump to the top of the list as long as they went along with his plan, it was impossible to say no. His yoga classes were just that good. Too good. Good enough to pretend that you ran a find your inner wolf retreat for four months.

It was a good thing they were all teachers and had the summer off anyway, which was probably why Tao had honed in on this group of friends for the ruse.  And now Minseok was going to make damn sure they were getting into that class.

He dialed Tao’s number. As soon as the other man answered Minseok blurted out “It’s done, now are we part of the class?”

“But did it work?” Tao whined.

“Did what work?” Minseok had never known the reason Tao insisted on this pretend camp thing. He knew that Yifan was his manager at his other job, and Tao had said something about confidence but beyond that nothing much was explained.

“Did Yifan and Junmyeon decide to go out?” Tao asked.

So that was it. “I don’t know! That wasn’t part of the deal. Now are we in?”

“Yeah, yeah. But if they didn’t get together I am charging you full price.” Click.

For such an amazing yoga instructor Tao could be a very emotionally charged person. Minseok shook it off and made the announcement.

“We’re in!”

Everyone cheered, jumping in a circle. Mission accomplished.


End file.
